I Can Pray

My heart has been through ups and down recently, and I find myself not acting like me.  I just can't deal with more crisis moments, more things I feel I have to "fix," more guilt for my own failures, more of anything.  I find myself fleeing to God, because I am so weak I can't decide which homeschool curriculum to use or what book to read next. 

Basically, I need Him.  At a pivotal moment a few weeks ago, I made some different choices.  It opened a flood, and I can only follow the path.  I can't fix others and I can't force resolutions and I can't "talk" endlessly about things that won't be resolved until God changes hearts. I can only pray.

I pray for my husband.  I keep praying.  There are so many desires in my heart for my marriage, but I can't bring them to fruition by wishing.  Maybe some of the things aren't in God's plan.  But I keep praying anyway.  I love my husband, and I long to pray for him.  His walk, his struggles, his temptations, his heart...  I pray.

And as much as I pray, the hardest part is leaving the results up the God.  It is difficult.  But the truth is that I am just going to screw things up doing it my way.  

No matter if I am praying for my husband or my children or my precious grandson, it has been a tough lesson to learn that no matter what I do, I can't change the hearts of others.  My words land on deaf ears, and I know that it's just more noise in the ears of the loved ones I'm praying for if God isn't working. 

This includes my daughters.  

Is there any heart like a mother's heart?  Any prayers more intense and whole-hearted than a mother's prayers for her child?  My heart cries out for my children.  No matter the need, I pray for it to be met.  No matter the struggle I see, and all those I never see, I pray for God to walk them through.  Day by day, step by step, I place what I value more than my own life back into the hands of their creator. 

I pray for God to work mightily in the hearts and lives of my children.  With three of my five daughters now adults, and another only a year away, I know the best way to be a nurturing, guiding, loving mother is to keep praying. 

Prayer takes trust.  It takes trust and faith to believe God is working in situations and people when there is no evidence that He is doing so.  I pray because if I can't change hearts and if I can't "fix" the problems, then I have to leave it all with a God that holds everything. I have to trust Him.

I have to trust Him, and let Him be my comforter.  I have to trust Him and love people, even when I don't feel like loving them.  I have to trust and let the joy of Him be my strength.  I have to trust Him with outcomes that I may never see.  I have to trust, even when it feels like a lonely path.

I have to trust, because it is the only option.