Cocooned For a Time

 

It's time for honesty.

I have withdrawn.  I stopped seeking people.  I stopped chasing them.  Of course, a few people love me too much to let me hide from them.  For me, I feel as if I am at a point in my life where I am fine with spending time on my own, in my own world.  I am figuring out some stuff.  I am enjoying silence instead of chaos.  I am praying and spending time evaluating.  I am waiting to see what God will do next.

I am actively healing.  This means actively working on myself.  I have to, because the picture below describes so much of how I have felt for such a long time.

It is all lies... hate-filled, damaging lies that sent me spiraling into depression.  Why would I believe this about myself?  Because I have spent too long getting my worth from other people, and too many people don't know how to speak life to others.  Honestly, I stink at it also.  It is difficult to give what you have never received.

I am at a place in life where God is doing some stuff, but that stuff isn't huge signs and wonders.  Sometimes the stuff He is doing is deep, working inside someone more than working outside in their circumstances.  That is what I feel He is doing in my life.  Circumstances have been stressful.  Dealing with life through the lens portrayed in the picture is unhealthy, for me and those around me.  It isn't how God wants me to interact with the world and the people He has placed in my life.

Some of my relationships are unhealthy.  Some of the unhealthy aspects are because of me, because I see the world through wrong eyes.  Some of the unhealthy aspects are because of others, because of things inside them that I can't change or fix, that it isn't even my responsibility to change or fix.  Right now, God has me withdrawing from certain people, so that I can gain a perspective that comes from some time and distance.

There are some things that have been in me from childhood that I never understood.  God has showed me about personality and about how we are wired differently, think differently.  One of my problems is that I always wanted to fit in, and I never really did.  God is showing me that it is okay to not fit in.  It is okay to be different.  It is okay to not have a platform, to not be the center of attention, to not see the world through the same lens as others. While His people are all in the processes of sanctification, of becoming more like Him, the great variety He put on Earth shows that He is not easily labeled.  He created wondrous variety so that all aspects of His character can be portrayed to the lost and the hurting.  His character is just as prevalent and glorified in the quiet songs of a grandmother as she hangs laundry as in the center of a spotlight, leading worship.   He is just as glorified in the story read to a child as He is in the sermon given on Sunday.

He is showing me that others can't fill me, can't give me what only He can give. He gives love and joy and guidance.  But, I am craving His peace.  So much around me is filled with an undercurrent of anger and rage that threatens to explode.  In me, I have felt that same anger and rage, have fought it from poisoning my entire life.  When my anger and rage left me feeling judged, I tried to hide it, to conceal it.  I don't think I dealt with it very well, because instead of disappearing, it became passive-aggressive.  If there is one area that me and many around me do well, it is passive-aggressive.  Ironically, most don't see their own passive-aggressiveness, even though they want to call out others when it used against them.

I honestly feel that it is better to deal with the anger inside in a way that doesn't explode all over my loved ones.  It is better to be on my own, to write, to pray, to study, to read.  These are aspects of my character that I neglected for a long time.  They are hidden disciplines, and no one sees them.  No one sees the hours I journal until my hand cramps.  No one sees the time I spend in prayer for my loved ones.  Very few of the blogs I write are shared in a forum where my nearest and dearest will give them attention.  No one sees the hours I spend studying not just for college, but areas where God is having me gain knowledge and healing; such as personality, anger, rejection, trust.  No one except those closest to me see me diving into books and reading, growing my empathy and imagination, growing my walk with God by reading about others' lives with Him.

God has called me to use my gifts for Him.  I write.  This is a time of preparation.  I don't know what direction He will send me in my writing, but I know He wants me to use my love of words to glorify Him.  Right now, that means hiding in Him and spending time in the hidden disciplines.  That means reading and praying and walking through this time learning to trust Him and not simply those around me.  It means healing from wounds and pain so that I can write from a place of health.   There are enough damaged people giving poor advise in the world.  There are enough people in the world that believe they are victims and don't take any responsibility for how they treat others.  There are enough people in the world worried more about their image than their character.

I find, as I have made time for hidden disciplines, for delving into the strengths of my personality, that I find that peace from God.  I would rather hide with God and be hidden in Him for awhile than to allow my wounded feelings to take charge.  I would rather allow God to heal me than to react in passive-aggressive ways.  I would rather stop placing my trust in people and allow God to bring me to Himself.  I would rather feel His presence for a few moments than feel victorious in things that don't matter.

Relationships matter.  They do.  But if I can't bring health to a relationship, than I would rather take time away than contribute to its toxicity.  I can't fix someone else's wounds and damage.  I can only allow God to heal my own, and in the process, show me His perspective.  Only He can show me how to establish healthy boundaries.  Only He can show me how to pray for those that have their own issues, but not feel responsible to do what only He can do, and fix those issues.  Only He can show me how to guard my heart without allowing others to make me feel like that list above.  Only He can grow me to a point where I am healthy enough to speak into others lives in a way that glorifies Him.

Until that time when He tells me it is time to come out of my shell, I am learning contentment in my cocoon.  I don't know how long this time will last, but it I don't think God is in any hurry.  Lessons happen slowly.  Lessons that stick take time.  Healing takes time.  Preparation takes time.  I am in a place in life where I am willing to let God take the time.