Are You On a Race to Nowhere?

This is one of the saddest documentaries I have ever seen.  As I watched these children, stressed out to the point of developing eating disorders and having anxiety attacks because of the pressure from school, I was deeply saddened. What are we doing to our children?

Having studied the school systems in other countries, especially the top performing ones in the world, it is clear that we have doing serious damage to our children...  and it isn't helping us to achieve anything. 

We start them in formal academics too early.  We pile on homework and testing from the beginning.  When a child doesn't learn to read in Kindergarten, we label them as "learning disabled" and send them for tutoring and more pressure. When they can't sit still for long periods of time at age seven, we label them as ADHD and medicate them.  

This documentary tells of some of the academic pressures our children face.  This doesn't include peer pressures or home pressures or the pressure to fit in with others.  This was solely about the pressure to do well in school, the hours of homework, the ambition in working to get the best grades, and the negative impact it has on young minds. 

I can't fix the American educational system.  I can help my own children.  We homeschool.  The pressure to perform isn't absent in homeschooling, however.  Many parents homeschool as a way to give their child a better education than the public school, but then do what the public school does.  They pile on the work and push the standards more and more, until the child hates school. 

After researching Finland and other countries, I decided to change the way I homeschool.  I want my children to have a great education, but not at the expense of their mental health.  And so, I designed a different path, with lots of art and music and play time for my ten year old.  She will have school, but not six or seven hours a day. 

Even my oldest will have a gentler schedule.

I recommend this documentary.  I think many parents don't truly know what's going on, or we assume it is happening "elsewhere."  The documentary was full of teachers that were honest about the pressures they face from administrators and the government to teach to the tests.  Most confessed that they'll didn't even have the time to teach all the material they were supposed to cover. 

The fact that any child would be suicidal over grades shows how obsessed our culture has become with achievement.  It also shows how little we respect childhood as a special time.  Of course, if we don't respect children, we won't respect childhood. If we see children as little adults, we won't understand that they shouldn't have two hours of homework at twelve years of age.  

One beautiful, smart young girl in the movie committed suicide because of a bad grade.  How hopeless must a child feel to commit suicide?  For suicide to be about something as temporary and unsubstantial as a grade is a punch in the gut.  This girl was beautiful and smart.  She was a musician. Why did one math grade hold the power of life and death?  Why did her father go to the school and be told that everything was fine?  Why are there more questions than answers? 

Life is precious.  It matters.  It matters more than grades.  I love to learn, but even I see the futility of pressuring children to do what they never should...  be little, achieving adults. 

Personalities We Neglect

This week has been busy!  I have helped babysit my grandson during the day.  My evenings are being spent helping at my church's Vacation Bible School. 

We have a lot of different personalities at VBS.  Some of the kids are extroverted and exuberant.  My youngest is this way.  She has no problem dancing and singing to the music, cheering and being loud.  And then there are those that barely speak, the quiet introverts that you hope are having fun, but it's hard to tell.  From the hyped-up dancers to the quietly observing and every level in between, we have children participating. 

As a mom, I have long known that my children are very different people.  They have unique personalities and gifts and talents.  Some are extroverted and are drawn to more extroverted callings.  Others are introverted and are drawn to hobbies that are more singular.  

The problem is that this world celebrates the extroverts very publicly much of the time.  And the introverts must adapt or risk alienation.  It is only in recent years, as more research has been done into personalities, that the "strong, silent" types are not seen as anti-social. 

I was never one that was shy.  My mother says I had no fear and would talk to everyone as a child.  But the older I got, the more introverted I became.  I was content with a book.  I enjoyed writing.  I liked taking pictures.  I was (gasp) someone that liked learning.  I tried team sports, but was better at more singular pursuits, like gymnastics.  

I still am not shy.  I moved around a lot in my life and met many different types of people.  This helped me to ensure, even from a young age, that I learned to greet people.  But I was never the one with a large group of friends or pursuits that brought attention to myself.  Maybe it was because I moved so often that I learned to be okay by myself.  I was the new girl too many times.  The ability to greet people is very different from the natural personality that attracts others.  Every friend I made as a child, I lost.  I never could depend on people to be that support system.  I was never one of the kids that was anyone's "best friend since five."  I didn't make those memories. They weren't available to me. 

Maybe this is why I can homeschool without feeling that my children are "missing out."  For me, most of school was a painful social experiment gone wrong.  I never had the money or the looks or the personality to fit into that mold.  I was the outcast.  I had very rich experiences, traveling and meeting different people, and they didn't often occur at the high school football games or at a sleepover with a group of buddies.  

Would things have been different if I had a different personality?  It's something that really doesn't matter because the personality I have is the one God gave me. As a mother, I see the different personalities in my five daughters, and each one is special and valuable. 

I have daughters that are natural extroverts, that love performing and music and theater, comfortable in front of a crowd, natural leaders.  I am so proud of them because they are go-getters, working with the gifts God has given them.

A couple of my girls are a bit of a mix, fine with some extrovert tendencies, but recharging in alone time.  This is something that makes it difficult to "classify" people as one way. Not everyone is one or the other, but a bit of a mixture of multiple personality traits.  It's like a spectrum, and people will land all over the chart.

Then there are the ones with more quiet personalities.  They are more reserved, at least in public situations. Quirky, fun, generous...  they don't necessarily care for the spotlight. But...  they still want to be approved.  They still want to know they are just as valuable as their extroverted counterparts.

It is very easy to give attention, and even approval, to the extroverts.  They often are drawn to hobbies that bring attention.  It isn't so easy with those that are more self-contained, that recharge in alone time, that love their singular pursuits. 

I want to find ways to celebrate all the gifts my children  have, whether they are singing on the worship team or writing incredible poems, acting in a play or reading in the corner.  I have a couple very introverted children.  Do they know I am proud of them?  I was supportive of my youngest daughter's play performances the last few years.  I think she is an extremely talented singer, even at ten.  Does the daughter that draws beautiful pictures think that her interests are not as important because it doesn't happen on a stage?  Do the daughters that work with special needs clients know that I feel they are just as wonderful as the daughter that leads worship at her church?

I hope so.

But the truth is that it can be easy to overlook the ones that are more behind the scenes.  For example, I love taking pictures. I don't do it to be some great photographer.  I just love capturing moments, and I've often done so with a cheap camera.  At fifteen, I received a camera for Christmas, and proceeded to take thousands and thousands of pictures.  My children, family holidays, everyday moments, travels...  it didn't matter.  I spent thousands on film.  Then I was given a digital camera and could take even more photos!  I love the candid moments, the real parts of life, more than the posed. But I have never been able to afford professional equipment.  What I have has often been gifted to me.  I simply love recording my life, my children, my journey.  I don't have a watermark on my photos.  I don't charge.  I don't have anything against professional photographers, and love their work.  But my fun is in recording my journey. It may be photos of flowers I see on my walks, or photos of my handsome grandson, but I keep taking the pictures, capturing the moments.  I have been teased for taking so many pictures, but I have also been thanked.  When I am not here, these photos are the story of my life and the lives of those I love. They may be out of focus occasionally.  They may be too dark.  They may show the mess...  the messy house in the day to day, the bed-head hair of Christmas morning.  It is something that I do that has never been about what others think or getting attention.  

Every hobby doesn't have to become a career.  Every love doesn't have to bring attention.  That is not what motivates an introvert.  The process is the motivator, the experience, the journey.  It's okay if others have different motivations.  That is the beauty of different personalities.  It becomes important, as a mother, however, to recognize these differences and to celebrate each child for who God made them to be, not simply for their more outgoing, easy to praise gifts. 

Many in this world don't understand basic personality differences.  Introversion, extroversion, intuitive, empathetic, judging, sensitive...  the great variety is what  makes this world a beautiful AND NOT A BORING place.  For parents, not understanding personality differences can bring about insecurities and low self-esteem in the children that may not be ones that seek attention.  Does your reader know he is just as approved of as your athlete?  Does your artist know she is just as talented as your actor?  Does your child, no matter what their personality, know their worth?

We know, in our heads, that our children are created unique and given different giftings.  We know that it is, in fact, very important for there to be differences in what people love and pursue.  And yet, I have been guilty of not taking the time to build up.  I have not praised nearly as much as I have criticized.  I have not encouraged equally.  It shames me, because I know the feelings of being the awkward one, the one that doesn't fit, the one that would rather read.  I know the feeling of being overshadowed because my personality is different.  I know the feeling of loving something, but someone else is better, more talented, more noticed.  It leaves an empty pit in your heart, because suddenly what you love is something to be measured against someone else, and you come up lacking. 

I never want a child of mine to feel as if she is not as valued because her personality is more solitary.  Maybe she doesn't get fulfilled by being in front of a crowd, but she should never feel less than because the focus lands on the ones that are naturally wired to seek the limelight, that recharge in a group. It takes intentionality on the part of the parent to speak life to the ones that won't ask for the attention.  It doesn't mean they don't need the encouragement and validation just as much from those they love, it simply means they are uncomfortable asking because it isn't their personality!  

I know... people can't read minds.  But as a mom, I spend a lot of time with my children.  I know which ones will tell me their hearts, and which ones will subtly show me instead.  I know what each loves, and that each one is so very different from the others.  I know that I have often failed my more introverted children...  and it wasn't intentional.  It wasn't until I realized that it felt like a "competition" in my own life, one I could never win, that I realized I NEVER want to have any child of mine feel that way.  

So many of us repeat patterns in our lives without fully realizing it.  We act on our insecurities.  We often struggle with our children, because their personalities differ from ours, or perhaps because they are similar.  Those of us awkward people take a little longer to be comfortable in our own skin.  It takes us longer to understand our own strengths because, I believe, they aren't always noticed as readily or recognized as often.  And if a person doesn't study and learn about different personalities, they might know that it's okay to be different, but not live confident when others point out their flaws or compare them or constantly cast them aside for the opposite, more extroverted personalities.

 

I am certain there are families out there that don't struggle with speaking life to their children and giving them a solid foundation in which they can be themselves with confidence.    I strive to be one, even now, when three of my children are grown and have moved out.  The need for your parents to love the person you are and to validate you never goes away.  The desire to belong is deeply ingrained.  It is difficult, in this world, when you feel out of place.  Feeling out of place or less than with the ones you love the most leads to comparison, competition, rebellion,  or people-pleasing.  What is beautiful?  Learning to love who God created you to be (gifts, talents, flaws, awkwardness), and learning to intentionally give the same love, acceptance, encouragement, and praise to the precious souls that God places in your life.  

I Can Pray

My heart has been through ups and down recently, and I find myself not acting like me.  I just can't deal with more crisis moments, more things I feel I have to "fix," more guilt for my own failures, more of anything.  I find myself fleeing to God, because I am so weak I can't decide which homeschool curriculum to use or what book to read next. 

Basically, I need Him.  At a pivotal moment a few weeks ago, I made some different choices.  It opened a flood, and I can only follow the path.  I can't fix others and I can't force resolutions and I can't "talk" endlessly about things that won't be resolved until God changes hearts. I can only pray.

I pray for my husband.  I keep praying.  There are so many desires in my heart for my marriage, but I can't bring them to fruition by wishing.  Maybe some of the things aren't in God's plan.  But I keep praying anyway.  I love my husband, and I long to pray for him.  His walk, his struggles, his temptations, his heart...  I pray.

And as much as I pray, the hardest part is leaving the results up the God.  It is difficult.  But the truth is that I am just going to screw things up doing it my way.  

No matter if I am praying for my husband or my children or my precious grandson, it has been a tough lesson to learn that no matter what I do, I can't change the hearts of others.  My words land on deaf ears, and I know that it's just more noise in the ears of the loved ones I'm praying for if God isn't working. 

This includes my daughters.  

Is there any heart like a mother's heart?  Any prayers more intense and whole-hearted than a mother's prayers for her child?  My heart cries out for my children.  No matter the need, I pray for it to be met.  No matter the struggle I see, and all those I never see, I pray for God to walk them through.  Day by day, step by step, I place what I value more than my own life back into the hands of their creator. 

I pray for God to work mightily in the hearts and lives of my children.  With three of my five daughters now adults, and another only a year away, I know the best way to be a nurturing, guiding, loving mother is to keep praying. 

Prayer takes trust.  It takes trust and faith to believe God is working in situations and people when there is no evidence that He is doing so.  I pray because if I can't change hearts and if I can't "fix" the problems, then I have to leave it all with a God that holds everything. I have to trust Him.

I have to trust Him, and let Him be my comforter.  I have to trust Him and love people, even when I don't feel like loving them.  I have to trust and let the joy of Him be my strength.  I have to trust Him with outcomes that I may never see.  I have to trust, even when it feels like a lonely path.

I have to trust, because it is the only option. 

A Homeschool Inspired by the Finnish Model of Education

I have been reading all I can lately about the Finnish model of education.  I have listened to YouTube videos, read article after article.  For those that don't know, Finland has one of the best, if not THE best, education system in the world.  In the 1970s, they scored right along with the United States... in the middle of the road.  They decided to make changes to their education system, not to compete on the world stage, but to give every child a chance.  Children's well-being became more important than tests and competition. They changed things around in their country so that the goal for each and every child was that they would be that they would be able to have an equal chance for an education, a happy life, and future employment.

For years, Finland worked their system, unnoticed by the world. Teachers were required to have a Master's Degree, and were paid well and treated respectfully.  In fact, only the best are selected to be a teacher in Finland.  Students don't begin school until they are seven years of age.  When they start, there is a lot of play time (recess) given.  Students receive fifteen minutes of recess for every forty-five minutes of instruction.  School hours are much shorter there than American schools.  There is little to no homework, especially in the early years.  Thirty percent or more of students receive special help if needed (one-on-one).  The teachers in the early years often have the same students for several years in a row, allowing them to get to know their students and how they learn.  Class sizes are small.  There is no standardized testing until the student is about to graduate high school.

And, at age fifteen, these students are scoring top scores in the world.  Ironically, they are changing their model system to even more of a loose, topic-based education instead of subjects.  While some predict disaster, I don't believe so.  Every study of learning shows that children learn this way better than in traditional models.

As a homeschooling mama, this has been eye-opening to me.  While I don't want to be a complete unschooler, I do believe that I have pushed my children too hard at times, and I have watched the light go out of their eyes.  I have watched the joy they used to have dim, and the curiosity about the world around them die.  School has become drudgery.  They comply, but it isn't what it should be.

"But, Cathy, kids need to learn now that there will be things in life that they will have to do that won't bring them pleasure, that they won't want to do.  Not everything is fun."

Is this the goal of education?   I doubt every child in Finland is a bottle of sunshine, but this model of education does give so many benefits to students.  In America, we kill the love of learning and instill dread and drudgery instead. 

For instance, the students start compulsory school at age seven, but in America we start at five or six.  That year or two makes a big difference!  Students in Finland do have preschool, but the emphasis is on play and socializing, not academics.  That means that the when the students begin school, some can read and some can't.   But the ones that haven't learned to read at five or six aren't labeled as slow learners, as they are here.  Right from the start, here in America, we are pushing children to do more and more academically at earlier and earlier ages. The students that might have brains that aren't ready are stressed are often treated as slow.  In truth, many aren't slow, they simply need more time for their brain to mature.

Second, the rates of learning disabilities in Finland are not much different than here in the States, but the approach is different.  Students in the younger years are given fifteen minutes of free time in outside play for every forty-five minutes of instruction.  In fact, these breaks are not looked at as a break from learning, but as a strategy to maximize learning.  Since the students aren't beginning school until they are seven, and have lots of time to run and play, this makes a difference.  Many of the students with ADHD are not treated with medication.  Also, the school day is much shorter than here in America (20 hours per week in Finland compared to 35 hours in America) and homework is limited or not given at all. This allows a lot more time for a child to play and grow and mature at a slower pace than what is demanded in America's pushy, stress-filled, do more and more, earlier and earlier educational method.  And if a child is still in need of help in learning, the teacher and special education teachers will take the time to give the student one-on-one instruction and tutoring.

Third, the teachers are not treated or paid like American teachers.  Teaching is respected in Finland, and is considered one of the most prestigious jobs in the country.  Only ten percent of those that apply to be a teacher are accepted.  The training is rigorous.   The result is that teachers can impact the quality of the education their students receive in incredible ways.  The salary of a teacher is a good one.  The teachers teach less hours than here in America.  Since there is only one standardized test in a student's schooling years, teachers aren't pressured into teaching to that test.  In fact, teachers in Finland are looked at as professionals and trusted to choose the teaching methods they see will work with the students they have.  Each teacher has a Master's degree.  They are highly trained in child development, in how children learn, in curriculum development, and in their field of expertise.   They are empowered to work with the students and other teachers.  They are trusted. There is no script.  Ninety percent of Finnish teachers stay in the profession until retirement.  In contrast, fifty percent of American teachers leave in the first five years.

I'll be honest, I don't trust many American teachers.  I think many are great and are motivated to enter into teaching because they want to help children.  But the few bad apples have spoiled it all.  I've had teachers call a child of mine stupid.  I've had teachers pass the jocks and rich kids, and leave the rest to take remedial English or not graduate.  In nearly every school system, there has been a teacher arrested for inappropriate conduct with a student.  If we want the best and the brightest for our children, we need to have teachers that honor and respect childhood, not ones that want to make children into little adult machines.   I have spent the last few years learning how children learn so that I can give my own children a quality education.  Truthfully, I have a lot of issues with the American model of education.

The focus in the Finnish education system is not competition.  In fact, all the schools are publicly funded.  There isn't competition between them to outdo the one in the next town. The goal is completely different.  It's about creating life-long learners.  It's about teaching life-skills.  There is a lot of art and poetry and music.  There are different languages taught, such as English in third grade and Swedish in fourth.

Obviously, it isn't perfect.  There are problems, but on the whole, the system is working.

This research into a different way of education has inspired me to make changes to my homeschool.   As much as I have had issues with the American model of education, it is easy to stick with what I know.  But as I watch the natural spark in my youngest daughter die out, I realize that I want her to have better.  As I plan this upcoming year, I find myself relaxing. I find myself questioning what I really want her to learn.

One article I read about Finnish education stated that school is where kids learn how to live and that they are needed, not just how to have a job.  There is an emphasis on things that many American schools have gotten rid of or diminished:  handcrafts, cooking, art, music, community service, etc.  There is a balance between academic and non-academic learning that is emphasized.

I want to bring that to my home.  I want to bring that to my homeschool and to my parenting.  I want to raise a child that has a chance to find life, not just success as defined by money and things.  I want my child to have a passion for learning.  I want her to develop skills.  I want her to know her faith, so she can understand why it is important.  I want her to know how to love life and learning, not just how to get through the stuff she doesn't like.   Basically, I'm giving her less so she can be more.  And, I plan to do so with one daughter in her last year of homeschool, and with my ten year old with eight years left.