Prayers

I used to go on a fast at the beginning of each year.  Then, after celiac changed my diet drastically, I stopped.  It was so difficult to be restricted all year long and then add even more I shouldn’t be eating.  

This year, I feel myself drawn to setting the stage for the rest of the year.  After all, there are many things that need prayer.  So much this last year was so difficult, and I feel as if my family is in bondage.  The health issues have been tough, but the spiritual and mental battles may surpass even the health ones. 

Whether I go on an outright fast or not isn’t the issue.  That is between me and God, but I do feel that I must take some time to really focus on my prayer life and my relationship with the Lord.  I have been so broken, so weak, for such a long time.  Even more, I see my family slipping further and further away from the Lord in the slow fade that leads to death.

But my reactions have not exactly been helpful.  Reacting emotionally, I have done all the “wrong” things. 

We have a week before my girls begin school and two weeks before I begin college classes again.  So I am going to take this time to truly seek the heart of the Lord for this year, my family, the struggles we have endured as well as those to come, and my spiritual condition.  Despite being concerned about the spiritual conditions of loved ones, I can’t give away what I don’t have.  And lately I have been riding a roller coaster of ups and downs that have left me nauseous (especially when combined with all the Christmas treats). 

My attention has been scattered for a long time.  I overloaded myself and life threw a bunch of obstacles at me this last year that brought me literally to my knees.  And so, this year, I know I simply can’t go on this way.  I need to get back my fire for Him.  I need to feel Him with me as I face the future. 

I cried many silent tears, alone, despairing at how overwhelmed I have been at...  well...  everything.  I have focused on the anxiety others close to me are battling, ignoring the fact that mine is causing massive issues. I lost my hope in the midst of the darkness that accompanied this past year. 

I have made very few New Year’s resolutions.  Getting my heart right with the Lord again is first.  Second is to write and write and write, because I process information and heal in my writing.  Third would be to embrace the introvert in me instead of trying to change her to compete with anyone else, only to feel less than.  God made me a certain way, and it is time to stop feeling like that isn’t enough.

Here’s to 2018...  a year of new beginnings...  a year of prayer...  and a year of hope.