I am the step-mom. But for us we never looked at step. This caused problems through the years, and I'm sorry for hurt feelings, but I honestly wouldn't change a thing. Why? The odds were against my husband and me from the start. We had a 67% chance of divorce. I had been married before. He hadn't, but he had been engaged. Adding to the mix we brought three children between us, and added another within a year.
There were battles other families didn't have to face. These weren't even the typical "step" issues. These were more intense, more terrifying, more critical. We fought battles for children to stay alive. We fought battles in courts. It was never what we wanted, but we endured.
I watched this beautiful blond cherub grow into this amazing young woman, despite all the odds. So many times, I had to put what was "normal" for what was best. We had holidays together, even if the holiday had passed or was days away, because we were splitting a schedule. We made special memories on purpose. We smiled through the ballgames and choir concerts, even when we had no inclination to get along with the other parent. But we did it because so much of this wasn't about us.
I'm not reaping any glory for myself. We made plenty of mistakes. We let negative feelings take over at times (especially me)! We were broken by circumstances and broke from expenses. We watched in fear as things that were out of our control swirled like a hurricane threatening to consume us all. We prayed for things and didn't see an answer for so many years we just assumed God was saying no.
My mom told me in the midst of a very hard, dark time some advice that stayed with me. She said, "Children don't stay young. They grow up... and they remember. They remember who was on their side. They remember who made the hard choices. They remember who was there. They remember more than most realize."
I remembered that advice. It helped me through many trials. There were fights that we had to fight, that we couldn't back down from because they were about what was right or what was best for the child. But so much of what parents see when they are overwhelmed and upset is not the big stuff. It's petty stuff.
This seems especially true of step-families. That child you are fighting with your ex over, he or she will grow up. Quit fighting over the stuff that doesn't matter! That doesn't mean you shouldn't ever stand up for yourself, but it does mean that the adults in the situation need to be the adults and put the child first.
Who cares if you have to split holidays? Yes, it sucks often! My step-daughter did miss some things, even as we tried to include her as much as we could. Extended families can't always rotate schedules around your visits with your kid. But Thanksgiving and Christmas don't always have to be on the calendar holiday. We had many Christmases the day before or the day after. We made our special plans as often as we could for when all the kids could be there. Birthday parties were when all the kids were at our home. We made memories. We enjoyed each other. It wasn't perfect. It was hard many times. But, we did the best we could.
I helped raise this little girl that has been an integral part of my life for eighteen years, and I couldn't be more proud. I couldn't love her more if I had given birth to her. I can't believe we made it this far. The obstacles were so hard, but with God we made it through them.
Don't give up. Just keep pushing forward. Just keep going. When you screw up... and you will... apologize and keep going forward. It won't be easy. In fact, it will occasionally feel like you can't make it. But it will be worth it in the end.
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