He's NOT Going to Win

Worship...   It is a favorite time for me, a time where I try to let go of myself, the awkward, introverted, insecure me.  It is a time where I shut out what is around me.  There exists the music, which bridges the gap between my mind that thinks too much and my heart that feels too much.  There exists me, flawed and desperate.  And there exists God, Holy and pure and loving.  Sometimes that love is embracing, and sometimes it is a reprimand or rebuke, but it is still love.

Today, I struggled.  My mind was wandering.  Some weeks I close my eyes and, BAM, His presence is there.  This morning was a bit different. I was going to praise God anyway, because how I feel is not a determining factor in if I will worship.  Worship is a given.  He is my Lord, worthy of worship, and I will worship and praise and serve.  Sometimes I do so with a broken heart.  Sometimes I do so with anger flooding me, and I have to apologize for my feelings not matching up to how I want my heart to be.  Sometimes I worship when my heart is heavy.  Sometimes the hunger and desperation for Him drive my worship.  Sometimes it is a sweet, simple experience. 

Today, worship was challenging.  I kept praying and refocusing.  After all, I am desperate for Him. I am hungry for Him.  After the last few weeks of unexpected challenges and anxiety, I am so desperate for the peace only He possesses. 

Instead, as the worship session continued, I felt angry.  Oh, I have suffered from anger isssues, and it wasn’t that kind of anger.  As I looked back over the last few weeks, and even the last few years, I got angry.  It was if a light went on and I had incredible hindsight vision. 

I have felt like such a failure these past few weeks.  I saw my mistakes as glaring beacons, but I also felt like we have been cursed.  One by one, no matter what I do, I see my family members succumb to this curse.  There is sickness, life-threatening sickness, that seems to have run rampant.  Doctors haven’t had answers, no matter how many thousands of dollars in tests were run.  But even more damaging than the sickness is the apathy.  Slowly, I see my loved ones being taken out by apathy.  It begins as anger at God when circumstances are bad.  Watching a loved one go through painful illness with little relief is frustrating.  Even I have wondered where God was, why He hasn't fixed it all.  Is there a purpose in this suffering?  Why is a young woman suffering needlessly?  Frustration and anger easily build when you do all you can to be healthy and go to the doctors and go through test after test, all to receive slow answers and slower treatment.  Then, over time, that anger seems pointless and it turns to, “It’s too hard to care, so I am shutting down that part of me.”

I have been tempted myself, to be done and walk away from Jesus.  I mean, most of the world would cheer and praise me that I “came to my senses.”  I understand the temptation, and batted around the thought numerous times over the past few years. When the support system I thought was there was stripped away, I was tempted.  When I feel surrounded by those that simply don’t care, I am tempted.  When the walk feels very isolating and lonely, I am tempted.  When it seems easier to compromise than to feel at odds with loved ones, I am tempted.  When I experience extreme panic attacks myself, breaking out in hives, my heart racing, my chest clinched in a vise, I am tempted. 

Something always stops me.  That something is Him.  He stops me, because I am reminded that He changed my life.  He set me free.  I was a slave to my sins, to my fluctuating emotions and the anger that could erupt at any time.  He set me free, and even though there are areas where I still struggle, I have tasted sweet freedom and don’t want to go back to being a slave.  

The anger this morning was one that rose up and said, “No more!”  It was an anger that said the time of my family being little puppets in Satan's sick game needs to end.  And while I still feel helpless to change the hearts of others, because that isn’t my job, I can wage spiritual war for them.  

“He’s not going to win.” I felt bold making that statement, but it wasn’t my boldness that said it.  It was the boldness of God.  Satan is not going to have my family.  I will go to my death bed praying for their hearts and souls.  

I will continue to pray, to fast, to fight for my loved ones.  Yes, there is fear.  But even more than fear, there is a determination that my family belongs to the Lord.  This is a spiritual battle.

We are human, but we don't wage war as humans do. 2 Corinthians 10:3 (NLT)

My Pastor has preached recently about how the spiritual battles often overflow into the physical world.  I believe this to be very true, in the world at large, and in my small section of that world.  As I battled disappointment and anger, frustration and fear, I have watched a sequence of events occur where I felt utterly helpless.  I have felt like a victim and not like a warrior.  One by one, as my loved ones have chosen to not care over fighting what feels like a losing battle most days, I have fought with the wrong weapons.  I became angry, and lashed out.  I became frustrated and begged and pleaded.  I became weary, and made rash decisions.  I became overwhelmed, and gave away my spiritual authority.  I became hurt and felt rejected, and withdrew into myself.  None of my methods have worked.  Every glimmer of hope I felt was usually crushed quickly.

The pain grows and grows, as I fear that nothing will ever get better and change.  And yet, I can't change hearts.  It isn't my job.  The spiritual battle has manifested itself in so many different ways in the physical world.  Yes, there is apathy.  There is also anxiety, illness, tense relationships, and depression.  The spiritual world will always overflow into the physical world.  Our thought life influences our actions and moods.  Our prayer time, or lack thereof, will influence our thoughts and emotions.  Our time in the Word will influence our thought life, as we can't renew our minds if we aren't spending time with Him.  It all works together, for positive or negative.

In God's economy, the end doesn't justify the means.  We don't win the war if we fight battles incorrectly.  We can manipulate and guilt people, but the heart changes that occur from these methods of doing battle often are not what we hope.  Even if it appears we win short-term battles, we will eventually lose.  But if we fight God's way, He works to change hearts and minds, He fights the battle in His ways.  

And, ultimately, the results of our battles are not up to us.  This is the kicker, accepting that even as we wage battles in the spiritual realm, the results are not in our control.  They are in the free will of those we pray for and in the will of God.  He knows the future.

I firmly believe, the enemy is NOT going to win.  As I prayed yesterday during worship, this was impressed upon me with certainty.  I already know from the Word of God that Satan isn't going to win in the end, but yesterday I knew that he was not going to win in my family.  Once I give into fear and despair, to weariness and frustration, to anger and hopelessness, He wins. Oh, the temptation is there.  I won't deny that I don't fight all those feelings.  We all experience them, especially during times when our world is caving in and we are left struggling to just keep going every day.  I also won't deny that a part of me fears that I will be overcome with the struggles, that I will lose a loved one, or that circumstances will overtake me and be more than I can bear.  Every time I hear the phrase, "New level, New Devil," I feel as if I am simply a challenge for Satan to try to destroy, or that God has given permission for Satan to sift me like wheat, as He did Job, and every thing I hold dear is at the mercy of evil.

But God...

When I see the struggles, when I focus on the physical challenges in this world, I feel overwhelmed and slightly panicked.  And then I feel the words flow through me... "He's NOT going to win."  I must have faith, not in what I see, but in the promises of God.

We walk by faith, not by sight.

For we walk by faith, not by sight.  II Corinthians 5:7 (NKJV)

In the natural, I still see a child battling to be well, others feeling that God doesn't care because of this fight, apathetic family members that don't want to care about God right now, and so much more.

But this war is not about what we see, and that is a difficult concept to comprehend.  It is a step of faith.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  Hebrews 11:1b (NKJV)

I don't expect this journey to be easy, but I know that I don't walk alone.  I know the ONE that walks ahead of me, and I know that I follow His voice.

After He has gathered His own flock, He walks ahead of them, and they follow Him because they know His voice.  John 10: 4