She is correct. It feels different. It feels as if time is slipping by. It feels as if life is changing. And, for me, it is. Tomorrow another daughter will be getting married. This will leave me two girls still at home, still in my homeschool. But one is in her senior year.
It's as if a new season of life is upon me. The days of having a house full is passing. The days of having all these little ducklings is done. And, while it is bittersweet, I'm okay. I threw myself into being a mom. I was the soccer mom. I made homemade bread and cooked large meals. I was at nearly every game and choir concert. I was the Girl Scout leader. I took thousands of pictures, of the big moments and the every day moments.
And I'm not done. My youngest is ten. And the new phase of "grandma" arrived a few months ago with the birth of my grandson. I enjoy him so much! And isn't that a key to life? To throw yourself into the moments?
I gave up a lot to be home with my children, homeschooling them. And I would do it again in a heartbeat. We only get so much time with them before they are grown. The days are slow, but the years are fast. I don't regret my time with my children and I never will!
But the right now feels different in other ways also. I have come to a crossroads in me, and it is time for some changes. The last year has already held some changes. I began college. I changed my eating habits and became much more active.
Changes. They aren't always easy. They can be difficult. The person making the changes has to fight the urge to just remain in their habits. The people around the person making the changes can get upset that things are changing. Changes happen all the time. Some good and some not so good. I have been the person left wondering and hurting when someone else changes. I have also been the person that knew changes needed to be made.
One thing that is always certain is that things change. Children grow up and get married. People fight illnesses. Accidents happen. People grow and change, and sometimes they outgrow or need a different path. Sometimes changes are made to save a relationship. It may be temporarily uncomfortable, but in the long run will be for the best.
Is this summer different? In the grande scheme, probably not for most. But for me, it is. I don't regret being with my children for their growing years, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't take care of myself. Moms put themselves last many times. I have. There have been times as a mom where I have had to take time for myself to recharge. There have also been times where I have had to change things completely to be the mom my kids needed... healthy, strong, and with a good attitude. Occasionally moms let that 'putting others first' carry over from their children to other people or places or commitments. The problem can then arise of a woman being so concerned with the needs and wants of others that her own health, whether physical, spiritual, or mental, is weak and damaged.
I don't want to be weak and damaged.
A few days ago I realized I am that woman. I am weak. I am damaged. And I refuse to stay that way.
Changes. They are never easy, even when they essential.
I realized that I don't want to be the woman I was allowing myself to become. I felt desperate all the time... desperate for validation, for approval. I felt desperate for the past that no longer is, and all my striving won't bring its return. I felt desperate to be respected.
It was all my insecurities thrown in my face. I felt like once again I was the geeky new girl, in a new school every year, just wanting to be accepted and liked by people that had no need of me. And when I didn't meet expectations, when I stepped out of that box to give voice to my feelings, the reactions were varied and harsh. Rejection.
It was at that moment that I realized that I was a fool. In a moment of hurting, stunning clarity, I saw the painful reality. People only change when the cost of remaining the same is too high. For me, scraps from others was no longer enough. See... when you are a people pleaser, you will be grateful for the scraps because you don't feel worth more.
Scraps... leftovers...
...The time available if friends are too busy, but the inclusion isn't with the friends, because you aren't one of the them. The obligatory... because it's what you have to do. The half-hearted, to placate the wounded feelings.
A person that falls into this trap of accepting these things as a full meal will eventually starve. I was starving. I knew... I knew the entire time... but I accepted it because I was desperate and lonely and hurting.
Changes.
Eventually the changes must come.
I've spent days crying at the feet of Jesus, repenting for accepting scraps from others when He has life to the full available. I've asked Him to soothe the hurts in others because of the changes He has asked me to make that others won't like. I've asked Him to take away my desperation, and fill me with His acceptance and His love. And I've asked Him to let me see those that live on scraps, so that I can encourage them.
This summer is different. It's a time of change.
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