And then, after he went home, I was back to full throttle, trying to finish a school project. My stress level went crazy when my ten year old began acting out. She has a week off of school. Since she doesn’t have to do school tomorrow, she didn’t want to go to bed. She wanted to stay up. She wanted to hang out with her older sisters. Needless to say, I was not a happy mommy. I reminded my ten year old that she wasn’t the boss, and reemphasized that point with many examples of all the adult responsibilities she doesn’t have yet, and so hasn’t earned adult privileges yet.
She went to bed upset with me. I frustratingly finished my project (in which I did not do my best work) and turned it in. It was late because the stupid thing didn’t want to load. That made me even more frustrated.
Every time I think about the last few months, I cringe and feel the panic attack begin to build. I know that I have to make some tough decisions, and I am dreading making them. For my health, they have to be made. For my family, they are necessary.
I waited twenty-five years to go back to college. Dropping my class load is a struggle for me because I don’t want anything to stand in the way of me reaching my goals. On the other hand. if I crash and burn, I’ll never get to the place I want to be.
And so, I realize that I need to cut back, to limit myself. Why is this so hard? I mean, I’m not quitting. My children need me. I need to not have a repeat of the extreme stress of this semester.
I think of my ten year old and know that I am short-changing her. I haven’t read aloud to her in weeks. Reading aloud is a priority for me, something I value greatly. But with sick children and full-time college classes, homeschooling and my home, I just couldn’t get to it. And she is paying for that.
She isn’t just missing read aloud time. I find myself impatient with her often. She sees her Mom stressed and emotional and feels it is somehow her fault.
Next semester, I have a child finishing up high school, another expected to have surgery, and four classes of my own. I need to cut back somewhere.
There is nothing to cut back except my college classes. I’m telling myself I can take a summer class, and see come spring what my fall will look like. Maybe I can jump back into full-time then. Maybe my daughter will be recovered. Maybe life will smooth out. Maybe...
When you wait 25 years for something, even a slow down feels like giving up. But I am despising the journey, and the goal was to enjoy it. Even if it costs me money. Even if it delays my graduation.
I want to read aloud to my youngest again, sharing the stories together and having that special time with each other. I want to not feel the vise-like grip in my chest every time I think of all that seems so wrong right now. I want to feel like I can breathe again without feeling like I am suffocating. I want to look at the plans for that week for my classes with excitement of all I get to learn, instead of dread of all I have to do.
It is such a tough decision, but one I have to make, at least for awhile. My family comes first, even if there are times I wish I could put my own wants first. If it were just about getting them to sports practices, then I would simply need better time management skills. When a daughter has been in the ICU twice in two months and needs a surgery to get better, life takes a whole different direction.
My prayer time, which has also suffered in the stress of the last few weeks, has been a time when I feel the most that God doesn’t want me in this emotional state.
For the next few days, I plan to keep my schedule light. I have some projects, both personal and for school, that I intend to work on. Mostly I plan to rest and pray and enjoy time with my family for Thanksgiving. I plan to read to my ten year old again... a lot!
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