I am humbled by Jesus. He has come through so many times for my family over the years. He has lessons that are tough to learn, at times. And yet, life is richer for having learned those lessons.
Life is so short. We can believe that we will have a long time, a long life, but even if we live ninety years, it is still short in the grand scheme of things. God told us this:
Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered - how fleeting my life is. Psalm 39:4
As any parent that has watched a child battle a life-threatening illness can tell you, there are times when you want to get angry. You want to lash out at God and tell Him how unfair it is that it is your child. You wouldn't wish the heart-wrenching times on any other parent, but you also wish it wasn't you. But to go through this lesson with more than one child, more than one time, it is more than a parent can handle on their own.
And then the lesson... you realize that you cherish those moments with your loved ones just a little more. You realize you don't want to hold on to those feelings that bring about upset and negativity. Yes, the opportunity to experience them and live in them will be there. It is obvious, if you spend any time in the world, that anger and bitterness and hate run the lives of many. The choice is always there to live in that. It is also there to cast that aside and cherish the blessings of now.
None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. We assume that the odds are in our favor. We assume that we will have the time. But time is a priceless gift that is limited. We can't be cavalier and assume that time will stand still. It doesn't. We can't assume that the precious blessings of today will still be there tomorrow.
Life is change. The battles that we face don't go away. As a new Christian, I believed that Jesus would "fix" all the wrongs and make everything wonderful. His children shouldn't have to endure such trauma, right? After years of walking this path, I have seen that God's ways are very different from what I assumed was correct. He doesn't always fix, and when He does, it often takes a lot longer than I anticipated. It also usually happens in a completely different way than I assumed.
There come moments, in this walk with Jesus, where we have to decide what we believe. These moments come during the toughest times, when we feel the most like He has abandoned us. They come in the midst of pain and fear. They come in the midst of grief. They come at the bedside of a daughter whose body is septic after doctors have failed her over and over again. They come at the moment of a diagnosis that we were unprepared for and uncertain how to cope. They come at the moment of feeling the injustice of years of abuse and wondering why deliverance wasn't faster. They come at the moment of despair when we watch the things we spent years building and acquiring disappear like dandelion fluff in the wind. They come when we see a prodigal walking away from all we spent a lifetime devoted to showing them. They come at the moment when the faithful fall.
These moments... They come for all that believe. We are wracked with confusion and disappointment and deep sadness. We wonder if the failure is somehow ours, if we are being punished, even if we are cursed. In those moments, when we feel our own frail will slip, we have to make a choice.
What do we believe? What is our foundation?
Do we go by what we see? Or do we stand on what we know, what doesn't make sense to most, what is laughed at and mocked, yet has never let us go no matter how our emotions fluctuate and circumstances appear.
I smile when I think of the times that the impossible has happened. I know that the impossible happened because God is a God of the impossible. That doesn't mean that I am not grieved by loss. That doesn't mean that fear doesn't consume me at times. It means I have seen Him work. It means I have seen the blessings in my life, and I cherish them. It means that nothing is forever, and one day I might have to say goodbye to another cherished one, and still believe that God is good and His plans are good.
How many have fallen away because God didn't do what they thought He should do when they thought He should do it? How many are outright hostile toward God because they are disappointed or grieved by circumstances that God didn't change. The loved one passed away, despite the pleading prayers. Justice wasn't served. The house was foreclosed upon. The company closed. Remission didn't happen.
We have been sold snake-oil if we believe that following Jesus means a smooth path. The path is broken. The path is tough. The path is heart-breaking. The path is uncomfortable. And yet... the path is joyous. How can this broken road in this sin-filled earth be joyous?
This is the great mystery, that the hard and defeating, the wearying and the heart-wrenching, march side by side with the comfort and peace and joy and love that is encompassed in Jesus. Our Redeemer lives. He bought us with a price, a very high price, and while we are facing what feels overwhelming and impossible here in this journey, He doesn't leave us alone. When we make the choice, during that impossible time, to stand on His promises, despite what our circumstances say, He floods us with Himself.
His peace... His love... His comfort... His joy... His presence.
He walks with us. Sometimes He carries us. He often performs miracles, and we take them for granted. He leaves me desperate for Him, because without Him I would be a blubbering mess in the fetal position, feeling like I've been short-changed in life because it is hard and unfair. I would drown in self-pity and rage.
He holds me as I cry. He guides me to His Word. He even speaks to others on my behalf, and works circumstances out in ways that never would have happened without Him. He opens my eyes to what He has given me... the moments in time that my heart clings to and captures like a photograph: The smile of my grandson, the smell of coffee on a brisk fall morning, the hug from a friend, the smile of greeting by my loved ones, the times alone in prayer where He simply is, the privilege of watching my daughter peacefully sleep, the sound of joyful music on a gray-sky day, the feeling of being filled with His Spirit during worship.
This is true thanksgiving. This is true gratefulness. This is true joy, knowing that we don't walk alone, knowing that the darkness we face we don't face alone. This is true love, not being lost in our own grief and anger and fear, but having Him beside us, being patient with us, a gentle touch with a powerful presence.
This is true blessing.
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