When the same thing is repeated, a theme or a message, in a short amount of time, it tends to grab my attention. I am awed at the ways God will speak to me. The last few months have been a struggle in my life, and I have taken some nasty hits to my faith and my confidence. God decided it was time to reveal some things to me, not to bring me down, but to bring peace and healing inside me, to fix things that I have avoided dealing with for a long time.
Luckily, even in the times of struggle and frustration and discouragement, His voice doesn't leave us. He doesn't leave us. The last few days have held wonderful gifts for me, that I didn't expect.
First, in reading Book Girl by Sarah Clarkson the other day, I was engrossed in a story she told about a tough time in her life. She was discouraged and struggling, feeling powerless. That's a scary place to be. The world feels like it is crashing in, you are wounded and a bit lost, and you just want to quit. You want to quit trying. You want to quit hoping, as disappointment has shrouded you so often and for what feels like such a long time.
She encountered Lord of the Rings, and the messages in the story, the words craftily written long before she was born, helped change her perspective and give her strength. She made the decision to turn back to God, despite the obstacles she faced. She knew it wasn't going to be easy. But, she felt it was a choice, and she wanted to make that choice in her story. She learned that she wanted to be a part of something much more beautiful and bigger than herself, and the narrative of God has given her a role.
Today, I was reading Where There's Hope by Elizabeth Smart. She writes in the beginning of the book about choice. After being kidnapped and experiencing a nightmare for nine months, she was rescued and got to go home. She now speaks to women around the country, and one of the things she talks about is choice. We all have trials. She writes, "I'm not suggesting that once you make the choice to move forward, your problems disappear, but making that choice is the first step down that path."
In just a couple days, I was reading about women that had made a choice to not let their struggles keep them down. In essence, they were determined to live out what God had for them, despite the things that had brought them to a place where they could have given up.
But then there was more...
Sarah Clarkson, while reading The Fellowship of the Ring, came across the quote, "What must I do with the time given to me?"
She realized that she must fight bitterness and resist hopelessness.
Elizabeth Smart continued the quote above by saying, "We are so often worried that we will be defined by what happens to us, and yet, that sometimes happens - when we let it. But it's important to remember that you are not defined by what happens to you. You are defined by the choices you make after."
The trials and tough times that have brought me to my knees countless times and left me empty in such a deep, dark way have had consequences that I struggle to this day to accept. In so many ways, I miss what used to be. The emptiness from what was and no longer is lingers in my core, even as I try to fill it with the Lord and good things, such as reading to my child or working diligently in my college classes.
I miss the passion in my husband's voice when God placed something in his heart or revealed something in Scripture. I miss the security of knowing that we shared the same vision for our lives. I miss his presence beside me as he prayed with me. We went through so much, and watched God do so much, things that we were told were impossible. Is he just struggling? Is he discouraged and disillusioned? Can I blame him, really?
I miss my daughter. Yes, I respect her right to make her own choices as an adult. After the health battles that nearly cost her life over and over, and then the stress of the last couple of years, she deserves to make a fresh start. But... I still miss her.
The things I miss... I can't change. Like the Serenity Prayer says, "God grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change." Missing what was in the past doesn't mean that everything was perfect then, just that it feels as if a lot has been lost. The cost, sometimes, of other people's choices and actions can be very high. Like Elizabeth Smart said, however, "You are not defined by what happens to you..." The choices I make now are what will define me.
Henry David Thoreau said, "The question is not what you look at, but what you see." I can continue to look at the things that were and have changed, or I can look at the now and place my trust and future once again back in His very capable hands. He is not surprised by all that has happened. He is not shocked. He still has a plan, even when it all feels like climbing a mountain in a mudslide.
I wasn't the only one that has faced tough times and trials, that has had to look honestly at my past, both at my choices and the choices made by others. I'm not the only one that had cried rivers of tears, grieved deeply, been overwhelmed, and wished there was a way to fix all that went wrong. But of course, sometimes my efforts to fix things make them worse. Sometimes, God has to work things out in His way and in His timing.
Even more, I have learned that this is simply a chapter in the story. Yes, the challenges have been tough and possibly have changed me forever. But, there have been lessons also, and revelations that God has given me.
I ask myself, what will I do with the time given me? What choices will I make from this point that will define me? Will I love well? Will I value the person God created me? Will I choose to hope? Will I choose to keep going, even when faced with tough times, no matter what?
I am determined to do so.
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