I learned I totally stink at one love language in particular: words of affirmation. It’s sad, really, because it is one of my husband’s love languages. I have to purposely try to use words of affirmation. It doesn’t come naturally. I will go a very long time without thinking to speak words of affirmation. Yes, I know this can be a big issue for those that have this as a love language. They crave validation and acceptance with words. The craziest thing of it all is that I am a “word” person... at least in writing.
Over the last couple of years, I slowly began to realize that many people totally stink at this love language. Perhaps it is a cultural thing. The comedies on television often get the most laughs with sarcastic, biting remarks. Sarcasm and put-downs are often seen as dry-wit. As a culture, we have become excellent at bringing others down. We can point out “their” flaws quickly, tell “them” off when we are offended, and put “them” in their place with choice words.
We can do excellent work with the opposite of words of affirmation.
I read once that on Shabbat, Jewish husbands speak a blessing over their wife every week. I was struck by the power of that, the power of a blessing spoken over the woman of a home. Years and years of blessing spoken by a man over his wife... it’s such a beautiful concept, honoring her instead of denigrating her, lifting up her as a woman, not demeaning her in any way.
The last several years, thanks to preaching about the topic and a bump with a song by Toby Mac, Christians have used the term “Speak Life” instead of “words of affirmation” or “speak a blessing.” We are told to speak life, not death, over situations and people and possibilities. The lyrics are inspiring:
So speak life, speak life
To the deadest darkest night
Speak life, speak life
When the sun won’t shine and you don’t know why
Look into the eyes of the broken hearted
Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope
You speak love, you speak
You speak life, oh oh oh oh oh
To the deadest darkest night
Speak life, speak life
When the sun won’t shine and you don’t know why
Look into the eyes of the broken hearted
Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope
You speak love, you speak
You speak life, oh oh oh oh oh
It sounds a bit like positive thinking. In a way it is because the Bible says:
“Brood of vipers! How can you, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”
Matthew 12:34 NKJV
So, is what we say or don’t say an indicator of where our heart stands? The fact that so many of us are great at pointing out all that is wrong but not at what is right says something about the standing of our hearts.
For me, I have thought about this a lot over the last couple of years. It was a topic that weighed on me heavily when I had to speak up about uncomfortable topics, confronting issues that were not easy to confront. I thought about whether I had spoken enough words of affirmation in the past so that, when I had to confront an issue, my heart was already known to be full of love for the person. I fear I failed.
Even more, I know that, as a writer, it is easy to find the flaws and expound on them, but ignore the areas where I could be encouraging, building up, acknowledging and validating others. So many of us are walking around, wounded inside from harsh words used as weapons, and we just want to feel like we have worth.
We literally withhold worth from others.
This is true for everyone, but if someone has talents and gifts that don’t gain public attention, it is not uncommon for that person to feel as if they are less valuable than the person that receives praises for their public displays.
Over the last couple of years I have noticed how much I stink in this area. I have also realized that it is a (how can I say this without speaking ill of someone?) family trait (yikes). I don’t mean to bash anyone, but traits like this do run in families. We struggle to build up, to speak life. We don’t struggle because we aren’t verbal. We don’t struggle because we lack opinions. We struggle because it is hard. It is hard to bless others when we feel we don’t matter ourselves. We struggle because life has always felt more like a competition and a comparison, and even if it seems immature, building up others feels like a loss.
Does it take anything from us? No. Could it improve relationships? Absolutely. The very things we seek the most: validation, acceptance, approval, acknowledgment, love; we struggle to give. Perhaps we struggle to give it because it hasn’t ever been something we received.
This isn’t to blame parents. They also couldn’t give away what they didn’t receive. Some cultures are more unemotional, thinking that speaking life would be a show of weakness somehow. Those cultures brought that closed-off habit with them when the emigrated to the United States.
I don’t think it shows weakness. The ability to speak life, to affirm others, to speak blessings is a strength. It is strength that could change families and hearts. It’s a strength that could give value and hope. It’s a strength that is desperately needed in a world that is harsh, that cuts down, that finds humor in causing pain in others.
It takes intentionality to speak life to family and friends. It takes courage. It takes looking for the best in people. It takes setting yourself aside, your pride and ego, to let someone else know that they have value and worth.
We have a society in an epidemic. Teenagers are bullied so much they are committing suicide as a way to escape the pain. Depression and anxiety are at all-time highs, and the record number of anti-depressants being prescribed attest to this. While I believe there are many causes, a part of me wonders if our reluctance to speak life into the lives of others isn’t a contributing factor. After all, how much negative can a person take before they feel like crap about themselves and their lives?
Perhaps that hunger for validation explains many of the posts and pictures we see on social media.
God talked a lot about sin, but He also gave inherent worth to His children. He calls us His heirs, chosen, adopted, the apple of His eye, bought with a high price, royalty, sons and daughters. He sent His Son to die for us. That is a pretty high price, one He wouldn’t have paid if He found our value lacking. And yet it is easier to believe that we are worthless, lowly, trash.
I always wanted to feel loved and valued. A child of a father that was absent for much of my life, I felt the opposite. I felt as if I wasn’t valuable enough to stick around for. When my first husband rejected me for another woman, that validated in me a very negative worth. It has taken years of walking with Jesus to even put a dent in that self-image.
The thing is, as I look around, I see so many others like me. Some try to fill the void with other things, but the truth is that so many of us feel as if we are missing something vital inside, something that proves we have worth. Goodness knows we have rarely been told so, and now, we don’t know if we would believe it if we heard it. But we so want to hear it anyway. We so want to hear that we are loved and accepted and valuable.
I am going to be more intentional about speaking life to my loved ones. I don’t want there to be things I wish I had said should someone pass on when I am not ready. Even more, I don’t want my loved ones to live in torment, feeling invaluable, when that isn’t the truth at all. The truth is that I am amazingly blessed with an awesome family.
Perhaps it is time to change those habits, to let myself be vulnerable, and speak life more. I heard once that it takes ten positive things spoken to counter one negative thing. Ask yourself if you speak ten positive things over your loved ones before you speak a negative? If you think you do, ask yourself if that is true about that teenager that rolled her eyes? The husband who left his clothes in the floor? The family member that could barely disguise his contempt at the holiday dinner? The wife who complained all evening about the kids? The spouse that overspent at the store? The child with the failing grade?
I am under no illusions that this isn’t much more difficult to put into action than it is to write about on a screen at nearly two in the morning. And yet, change happens one person at a time, one decision at a time.
Be the change you want to see in the world. Speak life.
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